FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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