All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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