two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
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