Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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