my phone needs a breathalizer
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
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