apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
