I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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