You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Randomize
