We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
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