Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Randomize