WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
