I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
Houston, we have a squirter
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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