you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize