I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize