A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
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