So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
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