oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
