My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
