You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Randomize
