so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
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