I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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