On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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