i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Randomize
