You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
