Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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