So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
