My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
