What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Randomize
