I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
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