OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
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