I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Randomize
