Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
