It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
