so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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