shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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