Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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