I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
