I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
is that a dick in a sweater?
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
