Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Randomize
