i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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