Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
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