Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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