the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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