from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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