we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
