The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
