I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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