She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
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