There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize