A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
my shit smells like andre
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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