Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
