You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Randomize
