I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
