Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Terrible idea I love it
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize