Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Text me some of your sweat
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
