Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
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