I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
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