On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
My ass is underappreciated
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Randomize
