I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
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